The Chaos in the Calm

I like chaos. It keeps my mind occupied. I feel more energised and ready for action. There are always decisions to be made. Options that need critical analysis. Resources that need to be consumed with wisdom and at times generated to meet deadlines.

Strangely, the moment the chaos ends, the calm awakens me to a complete stranger. Someone with no plans, no ideas and absolutely no purpose in hand. I dread meeting up with this stranger. The anonymous face that holds eyes deprived of dreams and a silent tongue. It haunts me for days and unless I make a real effort, it successfully drowns every positive ion in my being.

Fortunately, I have fewer confrontations of this sort but I’m forced to wonder, what is it about the ‘calm’ that drains all my energy to live with real zest? Is this some fear that resurrects through self-analysis or could it be possible that I hold questions that would trigger an alien existence within?

The calm often begins with a smile. It comes through as the much awaited guest of honour. I begin to travel paths I abandoned much too long ago. I visit homes I forgot to close the windows to. I wander off in directions I never dared to choose. And it is at such times that I begin to feel lost. The journey becomes an ordeal. Suddenly there are no footsteps to follow.

The real horror lies in the transition. From where I was to where I am, from where I could be to where I should be, from what was to what is; there is a big void. I recognise every face. Every home and every path. Yet I don’t feel they acknowledge my presence. The face begins to blur a little.

I lose focus. It’s hard to evaluate the reality anymore. If the roads I travelled are mere pictures in my imagination, then how could the streets I tread on today be a reality tomorrow?

 I am pulled back with a jolt. For days I sense a loss. Something wasted, someone forgotten or maybe a lost cause. In any case, the stranger always awakens me to my loss, my fears and my limitations. I need to close my eyes. Shut the windows once and for all and return to the chaos before I create another shadow.

It takes a few arguments, some emotional outburst that eventually opens my eyes to the need to wake up at 5:30 in the morning or the day would turn upside down. Keep the ironed uniforms ready to change or the kids would miss their bus, settle the medicine next to my husband’s cereal so he doesn’t forget it, equip my school pack with all necessities to ensure no time is wasted.

Yes, I like the chaos. It keeps my mind occupied.