Equality Without Courtesy

My brother and sister-in-law browsed through the menu while I sat with them at a fast food outlet. They had completed their MBA together and shared some fine memories of their time at the University.

“Karachi was such a dangerous place to live in,” my bhabhi went on. “I remember travelling by the university bus. And I can’t forget the day that we were surrounded by an angry mob on the road who began to aim stones at us!” I looked at her unbelievingly. “Really! What did you do?” I asked her quite in awe of the picture created in my mind. “What could we do? We looked around for the boys in the bus to take some command over the situation, but found them crawling on the deck of the bus!” she laughed looking at my brother. He didn’t appear one bit pleased!

“So what did you girls expect?” he asked a little irritated. “Well, normally women do look up to men to protect them and shield them from danger or harm. The stories of chivalry and valour?” she answered a little surprised by his response. “This is such an old fashioned notion! In a moment of crisis, each one must look after oneself. Why would you expect someone else to come to your rescue? You are equally blessed with the ability to think and react in a chaotic situation!” 

Their eyes turned to me! I was listening but enjoying the fried drumstick a lot more! “What would you do in a situation like that?” they asked me. I thought for a while. “Well, I would duck at the first blow and then probably follow what everybody else would be doing. But no, I don’t think I would expect a boy or a man to look out for me.”  

At that point in life, it was a non-serious agenda for me. I was independent in thought but my responses were typically feminine. The most difficult task for me at the age of 16 was to walk past a crowd of boys assembled in the School corridor. I remember keeping my eyes down with my heart thumping, hoping to get by un-noticed. The awkwardness that followed a roar of laughter! Their presence made me self-conscious and I always looked for my friends to help me through such horrible bends.

College was an equally romantic phase. The attention from the opposite sex was thrilling but there was still a camouflage of the intense individuality. “You live in a filmy world which is unreal,” a comment I heard often coming from my mum. It was true. I thrived on the idea of being taken care of and a partner who would recite meaningful ghazals for me! And somehow that frame of mind remained for quite some time. Until I came across certain women who taught me what it is to own oneself and the true definition of equality.

Often I come across women who appear fiercely independent but throw a huge tantrum on being asked to hire a cab when the car is in the garage. They complain when being asked to manage the plumbing issues in the morning. At work, they expect common courtesy from the men regarding their pregnancies and car parking rights in a rush hour.

What got me thinking about this subject was a scene I experienced recently in a supermarket. I had filled up my basket with a few necessities but when I got to the counter, there was a long line of people awaiting their turns to pay the bill.

I got in line with everyone else. A local lady with a tall and dark gentleman approached the counter and before anyone even noticed, began to empty her trolley on the counter. The Asian man who had waited quite patiently for his turn got furious at the situation. “Excuse me, there is a line here!” he protested calmly at first. She paid no attention to him and continued to place her grocery from the trolley. “Aren’t you going to stop her?” he struggled to get the attention of the cashier. He on the other hand appeared quite helpless and afraid to intervene.

There was more commotion in the line. “She should not have broken the line!” a few whispers came in. By now the Asian had completely lost it. “How can you continue with your stubbornness?” he was now becoming vocal about his feelings. For the first time she looked at him and pointing a finger asked him to stop!

The man accompanying her came to her rescue, “What is the problem? She is a lady. You show some courtesy.” He was completely calm and his tone was persuasive. “The courtesy should have come from her. Had she asked me, I would have gladly allowed her to take my place. But she…” he was stopped by her mumbling. “You are a cheap man! In your country, men don’t know how to respect women!” 

The argument had started to incite my sense of equality now. I entered the conflict, “In our country women are treated with respect, but we believe in earning that respect!” She looked at me with sarcastic eyes. “We don’t have to earn it here. We get it.” “Well, I don’t see you getting it now!” The words came through effortlessly!

The man accompanying the lady decided to end the chaos in a light hearted manner, “Ladies first!” The whole line stared at his ill sense of humour and timing!

“There are many ladies in the line holding such heavy baskets. They are waiting patiently for their turn. They don’t expect any special treatment,” the young man decided to make a point. He had felt my support. “Of course, we expect the men to treat us as equal but then we have women who are still drowned in courtesy!” I added on. We were complete strangers from two different countries but our stance on courtesy and equality was unified. She looked at us with disgust and made her way out leaving the men to carry her shopping bags.

The whole incident awakened me to the misconceptions on equality and how women bully men with their feminine persona. Equality will not be practiced until women are ready to let go of their world of make belief that promises some knight in shining armour to come to their rescue. Until they stop using their female rights to attain meaningless advantages.

It also opened my eyes to the ever growing awareness in men regarding their acceptance of women as equal citizens. Most men desire women with independent minds who have the capacity to stand up to nonsense and move about the society with freedom and self-respect.