The algebra of a joint family

My entire childhood was spent in my parents’ home. It’s what we call a single unit family. Dad, mum, myself and my siblings. Interaction with the extended families on both my mum and my dad’s side happened only in the school holidays. They were fun, memorable and problem free.


I got married and as my husband was working here in the UAE, I quite naturally shifted to yet another independent unit. My in-laws were in Pakistan so again, interaction was limited to visits off and on.


We had our children and both of us fell into a completely comfortable zone. Life was tough with its challenges everyday but we were facing them knowing no other face of life.


And then the recession happened. I believe everybody’s life turned topsy-turvy. We too suffered a huge blow and it narrowed down to the decision of me travelling to Pakistan for about two years with the children. My husband had his job thankfully and that area was not to be touched at all. I had never experienced living in a joint family and was petrified inside. That too without the physical presence of my husband. My friends thought I was crazy but honestly, I had no choice.


As always, I entered the household without any presumptions. I needed all the support I could get with three sons of which the youngest was just forty days old.


I was welcomed with smiles and a few insecurities. I was someone, who had been living abroad since the past twenty-five years. My presence in the family had been exactly ten years but with two visits a year. My children were born in the UAE and for them too, it was suddenly a new land.


The first few days, all I could do was observe the working of the house and its occupants. It was very meticulous and organized. From sunrise to sunset, there were chores to be completed and children to be attended.


The first joy that I encountered being in the company of so many people was being ‘told’ what to cook! I didn’t have to think about it and the decision was always taken by someone else. The idea of letting go small powers was enthralling. I enjoyed following routines.


I had a driving licence but had never tried a hand at it in Pakistan. My sister-in-law often came to me with the car keys to ‘at-least drive to the neighbourhood market’. We would drive there cracking jokes and buying vegetables to be cooked that day. It was a daily ritual and everyone from father-in-law to the servants had to be kept in mind. The car keys gave me that little freedom which I enjoyed immensely. And the first time I reversed the car out of the garage, I asked my father-in-law who came out to open the gate passing on a gesture of approval on his part.


Food was the driving force of the day. Two curries were a must, chapattis had to be cooked, the rice had to measured well for there was no concept of extra. Lesson two for me was based on that concept. I learnt how important it is to cook food in the right quantity. It was miraculous to see that not a bite went into the garbage. Even the corners of the bread were fed to the birds which came in hoards to their home. It was a blessed house.


Children were priority. Mornings couldn’t be lazy with children walking down without washing their faces or brushing the hair. Clothes had to be changed. The breakfast had to be creative each day. Repetition of a meal could prove a long day of nagging. Living alone, the motivation to ensure perfection in everything is considered quite ridiculous. For me, the most difficult habit to adopt was changing from my pyjamas into something ‘appropriate’. But whatever the pains, I was more active and involved.


Joint family system is most applicable to people who enjoy the company of people. The special occasions of Eid, birthdays and even mourning of a death, were a time to hold each other and share. The mind was constantly engaged in sorting out people and trying to understand their behaviours.


What I found difficult to accept was giving up a few rights that become a way of life if you have enjoyed being a single unit family. It was very difficult for me to entertain my children in the presence of so many relationships. If I had to order food for them, I was expected to keep everyone in mind which obviously was not a possibility too often. At such times, the selfish mother inside me always assured me of being right and I would follow my instincts. It was a little hurtful to see strong reactions to that especially after having given up practically an entire lifestyle to say. Acceptance of an individual was there but very little space for individuality.


Thankfully, communication was open and allowed at all times. Everyone had their favourites of-course. I would open my heart to my sister-in-law who became a great friend.


Relationships are important but their maintenance is a challenging job. Living together makes it somehow more demanding and so a lot of people advocate that distance helps maintain respect. It may be true, but the personal growth that happens amidst a crowd is only possible in a Joint Family System.


A year of separation for us as a family, resulted in appreciating the true spirit of ‘being a family’. Joint families are a complete education in relationship management and communication skills.


Even the most painful moments in life can enrich you with such joys and fulfilling experiences provided you are prepared to ‘learn’.