The first good-bye...

I came back today to a very silent home. The little slippers reminded me of the happy feet that travelled from room to room, leaving their curious marks.

The tricycle that whizzed through the open doors, was left on its own. I sat in the living room, where life began each morning. The television channels offered me all the freedom to choose what I wanted to see, but the eyes remained dreamy with mornings from yesterday in mind.

“ Today I want to eat egg and toast mama,” was his little request. Each morning, it was something different. We would sit in front of the T.V and it was a struggle to focus on the news that I so wanted to follow, first thing in the morning. “Will you please eat quietly!” I often wondered when I’ll have that magical time to myself without any interruptions. Well, today I sat all alone, without my little companion, wishing for a little sound to break my silence.

I decided to get up and walked to the washroom to collect the laundry. As I cleared the basket, my eyes fell upon the little bath toys that lay motionless on the bath tub. The floor was dry with no carefree splashes of water, screams of joy or un-necessary calls to mum. My eyes felt wet and I hurried to the kitchen to load the washing machine. I pictured his little hands opening the cabinets. “I want to cook in this pot mum.” And he would play sitting on the floor while I cooked the food. The endless conversations that exhausted my energies had left the house.

I looked at my watch. It had only been an hour. The thought of him crying, looking for me drowned my heart. He loved being with friends. But it was a new place, new people and a new language. The thoughts began to suffocate me, so I decided to get to work. I entered the kids’ room to put it in order. Toys everywhere.  The pyjamas on the floor and the blankets hanging from the beds. Everyday I would complain about their carelessness but not today. Today I felt nostalgic. My sons had grown up. The older ones had their own distinct manners.

The eldest was dreaming of having his own room. He needed his space to be the man he wanted to be. He had shared enough. The middle one had the most questions. He was abstract in thoughts and was happiest when recognized for his individuality. They both had moved on in life. And there was no looking back for them.

And so today as I folded their clothes away, I realized that I really had them for just those three years. It was a period of uninterrupted togetherness and companionship. No other time could compare to that which I shared with my toddlers, who gave me a kiss anytime, sat on my lap for a hug, followed me around like my shadows and loved me back for always being there. My youngest one had left my hand and brought with it the realization of missing the older two as well who seemed to have forgotten the breakfast fuss and the infinite hugs that once marked my days.

The pain in the first good bye that you wave to your child while leaving him on his own in a nursery, is one that really defines the end of a beautiful and dependent existence that filled your life. And while it’s a joy to see them become independent, the aroma of the baby lotion, the perfume of the sprinkled powder and the skipping of the happy feet, just never leave the house.