An Expiry Date...

Everything has an expiry date and so, going by that logic everything that was, is and shall be in the future is more or less mortal in nature. Quite naturally, mortality would be associated to something alive and living with the capacity to stop existing.

In life however, I have experienced moments, places, things and even houses that came to life, grew with time and celebrated our lives till it was time for us to move on, or shall I say, it was time for them to leave.

It is silly to believe that material things could bring you any happiness or so to say guarantee a happy existence. Yet, I tend to remember some really special things in my life that simply refuse to leave my brain store. One of these things was a shell lamp that hung from the ceiling in almost all the houses we lived in while growing up. It was white with many strands studded with pearl shells that often mesmerised the atmosphere, especially on windy days. It was a soothing sight for the eyes when all lights would be turned off and the Akai reel player would play the legends as Neil Diamond and Lobo.

As my father was in the Airline Profession, we got transferred almost every three years and a new house would await our plans and ideas. And though, houses are made with people, sometimes even after people leave, the house echoes of their footsteps, leaps and jumps and eventual departure. It is silly to attach your emotions to a few walls and staircases, but if they have the power to hold your heart, it does become awfully hard to let go. Such was our Villa in Dubai almost sixteen years back. I remember standing outside the house, as my parents got to the decision of renting it, thinking it would probably change the course of my life. There was a strong warmth about it that promised happy endings. It saw my graduation, my engagement, marriage and eventually the birth of my first baby. A complete cycle of events in my life filled with varied moments of anger, triumph, happiness and love. The lush garden with the date palm tree, the noisy barbeques and the aroma of my mother who waited for me sitting on the dining room couch everyday in the afternoons.

My PAF school on Shahrah-e-Faisal in Karachi was also alive and thriving in the year 1988-89. A place that expired for me or rather I left almost twenty-three years ago. I recently visited Karachi and while driving through the busy street, I was completely taken aback by the detailed re-construction of my school mornings by bus, by my overwhelmed heart and mind. I could feel the bumpy turn of the bus onto the school road that came down as a slight slope. The sudden rush of air that always awakened me to the approaching bus stop. The stingy smell of petrol that came in fumes as we got off the school bus to eventually carry our back packs through the long and narrow road that lead to the school gates inside. There was sudden desire to stop the car and stroll down that narrow road again. To open up my senses once again to the applause in the auditorium, the anxiety at holding the baseball bat and to the panic that showed on my cheeks as a red colour on walking past a crowd of college boys.

It’s quite difficult to explain your attachments to material things in life. I for one never imagined a cooking oven or a washing machine to hold much meaning to me in my life. And as time teaches all, I learnt my lessons the hard way as well. As the recession hit the world and almost every family I’ve known, it crept quite silently through our doors as well taking away with it everything that completed my home. That included every piece of furniture and utility. My family stood by me as all families do, but I couldn’t express my emotions of loss to them. The oven was not just an oven, it was the fire that prepared my children’s meals. The yummy spinach with their favourite white rice! The washing machine promised a clean pair of uniform each day with the lingering smell of lavender. The so called things were truly the luxuries my children enjoyed every day. And even though, those empty spaces have been filled today by the grace of Allah, I do miss their familiar sounds and the corners that they filled with their promising presence.

Just before my mum passed away she and dad bought a beautiful garden swing for their home in Dubai. Each time I visited with my sons, we would enjoy the evening tea outside in the garden. I would sit on the swing with mum while dad would settle in on the easy chair. We would discuss everything happening around us enjoying the company of each other along with the relaxing back and forth strokes of the swing. I would always envision my parents sitting on that swing enjoying the companionship and planning for the future through the best phase of their lives. The swing symbolized togetherness and peace. Little did we realize that the swing would become a true life companion and an instrument of peace for us, as mum passed away leaving behind much loneliness and anxiety. I could not imagine my father living without her. They had lived an inseparable existence and as I made my first visit to his house after her departure, I was filled with hurt and extreme anticipation to find him in a state of deep loss. Indeed, he was making an effort to come to terms with the saddening event, but there was a calm that reflected upon his face as he would sit on the swing, swinging softly in the garden. I would watch him secretly from the glass window. He would smile gazing at the sky, admiring the peculiar birds that visited his garden each day. 

The familiarity of the swing helped him unite with his peace of mind and gave him the emotional strength to move ahead in life. It gave him the hours to reflect upon his happy years with his wife and the desire to watch his grandchildren jump onto the swing, acknowledging its worth!

Yes, everything has an expiry date and whether we hold a funeral or not, some things just never get buried.

Punjabi Phrases At A Cricket Match

Typical Punjabi Phrases while watching a tense One Day Cricket match!

General comments at the toss:

At winning the toss: “Bus fer ujj te ussi jitiye hee jitye!”

At losing the toss: “Rab de kummaan ich koi na koi behtri zaroor hondee eh! Chunga eh!”

Batting Time

Following the slow openers:

“Ainan dee aeho gullaan ne jinan te fer ainan noon baad ich gaalaan paindiyaan ne!”

“Mich mich lai hoi eh!”

“O score wee wada lo koi! Jadon de aye o aapus ichee khedaan khed raey o!”

“Chichar hee ho gaye ney hun!”

Following the hasty openers:

“Oye aaraam nul khed oye! Uthra jaya na hoey!”

“Tussi wekh lena hun, ae koi gul khilaan lageya eh!”

“Wekhna zara! Kidda befkoof hega eh!”

Following a boundary:

“Bus, aeho tareeqa eh game noon uggey lijaan da!”

“Chalo shukar eh, warna te jo tuk tuk layee hoi see!”

“Oye jewonda ro! Hun ainaan noon purtoo pe jaanan eh!”

“Teri mehrbaani bao! Hun wee na shot paindee te fer te tenoon ee ik paindee!”

Following a Catch out:

“Dur fittey moon tera!”

“Ugley de hutthaan ich sutti soo!”

“Kinni wuddi chawlli maree eh ainey!”

“Saada Honda na aidee jugha, te ankhaan uggey unhera aa jaana see!”

Following a Run-out:

“Eh kee keeta eh ainan ne? Ae jera munda eh na, eh hamesha baree gurbur kurda eh!”

“Je tenon nazar aa reya eh ke ooney nai aana, te toon mur ja. Nussi ja reya eh paaglaan haar!”

“Bus hun ainaan da kujh nai ho sukda!”

Following an Out Bowled:

“Onoon samajh ee nai luggi ke ball kithon lungee eh!”

“Chalo jee! Tussi jao te pavilion ich aaram karo hun!”

“Khlota ainj eh jeewein aidee baraat aye gee te doli be ke jaye ga! Out ho gya ain te tur pe hun!”

Following a Low Score:

“Bus hun saara kum fielding da eh!”

“Hun bara zaroori eh ke bundey de puttar bun ke kheddun!”

“Saadey bowler ainaan noon baraber kar lain gey inshAllah!”

Bowling Time

Following a Maiden Over:

“Eh munda aqalmund eh!”

“Bus cuptaan noon chaida eh ke ainon akheer de punj over karaey!”

“Lugga ro aaram nul bus!”

Following an Expensive Over:

“Yaar, ainoon kyon khidaya eh! Ugli waari ainon nai khidana!”

“Chunga eh! Bari shodiyaan maar rya see!”

“Sidda bulley te gaind sutda eh!”

Following Loose Fielding:

“Hutthaan ich moriyaan ne aina diyaan!”

“Tehdey ainj kha rya eh jeewein unna eh!”

“Digg digg jaandey ne! Pata nai kee purtoo pya eh ainaan noon!”

Following No Balls:

“Bus hun paagal hogaye ne!”

“Ainon te hun goli maar deni chaidee eh!”

“Hun eh koi waqt eh aehoo jayee bongiyaan marun da!”

Following Boundaries:

“Ugley wee gharon khedun aye hoey ney!”

“Kidda zulm eh! Nusdey ee nai!”

“O toon boundary te khlota kee cholley wech rya ain!”

Following a Wicket:

“Oye shabash! Hun tussi wekhna game keewein buduldee eh!”

“Kee ball karayee soo! Dil khush keeta soo!”

“Bus hun kissey noon tikkun nai dena!”

Following a Victory:

“Maza aa gaya ujj te!”

“Ugleyaan de moon te laanat pe gayee eh!”

“Ujj te roti baron hee aawey gee!”

Following a Loss:

“Saara din zaaya keeta eh ujj te!”

“Kee kuwwey bunda ainaan noon hun! Juttiyaan painiyaan chaidiyaan ne ainaan noon!”

“Bund kar yaar TV!”

“Chalo mitti pao yaar, roti te khaeeye na!”

The Fear Of Flight

The Fear of Flight

There was a time we used to crib about being put to bed early while our older cousins enjoyed watching the much talked about horror movies. There was a compulsion to complete our meal dishes even though we were stuffed. The necessity to call and inform of delays when visiting friends was an expected call of action. Even choice of programmes on TV was limited to age.

Of course, there was food on the table when we got off the school bus. The clothes had been hanged in the closets after being ironed. The evening snacks were happily prepared for us to enjoy and there was always the option to order food in. The afternoon nap was a religious act and in case of a miss, the evening tantrums were quite acceptable.

As we grew older, the attraction to become independent started to cling onto us. It felt great designing our own clothes, buying our favourite shoe or rearranging our own rooms. We fought with our parents to get the new hairstyle no matter how ridiculous it appeared in reality. It was a task to leave the joyous activity of recording songs and get to the lunch table, despite mum’s infinite reminders.

And even though we had sort of studied at the last minute for the exams, the report card never became a friend! And that entire bus trip that would be leading us to our fate with dad was as memorable as the stares that cornered the conscience every bit! And so we would rise to meet the challenges of the time. The spirit to prove our abilities had us replace the tape recorder with books for about a week! Up till the time A-Ha’s new album was released and the books became quite naturally too over-powering and needed to be taken a break from.

The alarms were set for an early rising to witness the March Past on 14^th August and the super thrilling ride to buy the small jhundiyaan and Pakistan Flag to hoist on the house roof. The PTV news anthem that declared a state of shut-up in the house with absolutely no space for even inquiring about the black Kiwi polish to prepare the shoes for school the next day!

All barbeques were compulsory to attend and the live music was an effort that was expected of us as a cost free contribution. The organ was connected to the speakers and the tunes were played and sung at first with less interest and conviction till gradually grasping the right note became a matter of conflict and serious involvement!

And then there were the long drives! The gossip on the landline would be disconnected by a call from dad to get in the car! The music was mutually acceptable but carried many old classics from Lata and Kishore. We sat at the corner seats staring at the open sky with few thoughts but beautiful faces and places. The car moved very slowly on a long curvy road and there was often no conversation. It was a time to connect with oneself and for some a time to reflect on the recent chaos.

The real joy came when dad would be in his jolly mood and we would demand our pocket money! There were always chances to extract a few more bills as he would be mostly quite gracious at such times. A sibling would poke on the shoulder suggesting the need to grab the moment and demand for an outing to enjoy a sumptuous Chinese or a spicy Tikka as well! The results were often a 100% and it felt like a complete day!

A surprise Eid-ul-Fitr was always more joyous! We would anyways be up and enjoying the late night programmes and food! Mum would sprint to the kitchen and the preparations would begin immediately for the early visitors after the Eid Prayers. We would often hear phone calls being attended by mum or dad wishing friends on the happy occasion. The haleem and sheer korma would be tasted by us and we would eventually gather in the living room to listen to some happy tracks along the pleasant activities around. The alarm would be set again, this time to click pictures of the men in the house clad in Shalwar Kameez and going off to prayers. It was always a relief to jump back into bed once they had left to doze off for another two hours!

These are priceless memories that daunt on our thoughts heavily once we are ready to leave the nest. The nest that protected us, spoiled us and forgave us unconditionally for our imperfections. 

There is fear of losing the person that we are and fright of not being able to take off despite our special powers! The risk involved scares our pilot within with the fear of losing a limb in the process. There is not only the anxiety of leaving familiar surroundings but also dimensions that would change with the flight. The nest might never appear the same again.

Yet, we soar to the sky, leaving our fears behind.

We follow this almost as a natural instinct to learn, grow and contribute. “Indeed the world is a book and those who do not travel read only a page!”

The Only Fear Is To Not Exist

The doors kept on opening and each one was connected to the other. I hurried through until the sweat trickled down my brow and I stood close to what sensed as the last one. The heart dreaded opening that door. The mind worked relentlessly indicating bad news. And then suddenly, with a jerk, I woke up with a shudder in the air.

I am a dreamer. I sleep less and travel the endless avenues of my brain more where all my thoughts reside. Once a palmist told me, “You use the brain as a video player. It will exhaust your energies. Switch off when you close your eyes!”

Dreams often reflect the events of the days gone by or anticipated occasions that are yet to arrive. The positivity or negative impact depends much upon our disposition. This is what experts say when you try to interpret your thoughts. I don’t rely much upon their literal matter but always try to extract the emotion attached to be able to analyse the working of my own sound box.

Dreams that have left an impact on my senses have always been connected to the emotion of fear and anxiety. The dread of the unknown, of being wrong or the inability to understand the relevance of what matters most.

Fear can almost suffocate you with its dark shadow if you let it grow and prosper in your heart and mind. It has the power to cripple your strengths and abandon your reasoning space. It is fear that stops you from taking a chance or living your dreams. You watch other people moving ahead in life and wonder what gives them that courage to do so. They share stories of courage with you and leave a strong impression. Little do you realise that they make a conscious decision to keep their fears to themselves.

It’s important to point out here that we don’t always have to believe what we think. The mind can play many games with our vulnerable existence. It can instigate us with lies when our hearts are lonely, trigger our imagination when there is no light and build upon nothing when the heart is racing to find a cause. It is at such times that we tend to engage ourselves with unwanted and ugly situations. We argue on trivial matters in a manner that they become the determining factors to our relationships. Therefore, the key to change is to let go of your fears.

There is a famous quote, “Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity”. If we are able to sustain our fears through investigation and the determination to find out, we definitely hold a better chance to conquer the mystery of the unknown. 

I squeeze my palms each time I enter a bank with absolutely no knowledge of which counter to deposit the cheque to or simply extract some money. I stand like a frozen statue completely drained with the fear to make a fool out of myself. I just can’t seem to warm up to the formalities of its environment. And whenever I have been pushed into the situation, I have had to go through the entire episode with a singular expression of fright.

Therefore, everything in life needs to be understood and not feared. The shame of failure, the revenge in rejection and the disappointment in self are all negative energies that we need to disconnect with in order to move forward. It is indeed sad that we allow our fears to intercept our joys and burden our future with many apologies and regrets. Things we could have done, thoughts we could have shared, relationships we could have built!

Expectations also play a primal role in glorifying the fear factor. We stretch ourselves in the desire to please the ones that we love in order to gain their acceptance. People fear failing fitting into the moulds created for each other. So, who is it that you fear really? Is it the person that you are or the person that you aren’t? The only way to discover the truth would be to break the mould and free yourself from this prison. Be the person that you are without an apology or an expectation to please all with your existence.

Everything that we fear will end in the face of death. What shall remain is what matters. Therefore, have the courage to realize your dreams. Open every door that comes your way knowing that it connects to another to lead you to the truth, however frightening that might be! Don’t waste your time standing at the door, anticipating bad news and losing every opportunity to find out what might have been. 

The only thing to fear is to not exist.

O' Nai Jee...

(A humble attempt at a Punjabi dialogue which comes through observation. A typical scene in any Punjabi house where politics is being discussed. The answers in the questions!)

Wadda Chaudry: Main twanon dus reyaan Muluk Saab, saddey loqi hun akh gaye hoey ney. Parechani baree!

Muluk Saab: O’ Nai Chaudry! Gul asal ich hor hey. Loqan kol aethhey kera waqat hey aeho jai sochaan laee? Ae te wuddi khed eh!

Wadda Chaudry: O’ Nai Muluk Saab! Khedaan aala taim lung gya hun. Ae te hun hisaab kitaab hona eh te saara syaasi gund mund loqaan ne shaaper ich pa ke suth dena eh!

Muluk Saab: O’ Nai Sarkar! Keriyaan gullan kardey o tussi! O ainaan loqaan ne kuddi apney kharaan da gund nai saaf keeta te mulak da hisaab kithon karan gey! Tussi wee kuddi kudaar merey nikkey wurgaan gullaan kardey o!

Wadda Chaudry: O’ Nai Jee! Gullaan karan noon te saadi qaum wah wah eh! Jithey chaar befkoof rul be jaan, uthey hee kachehree la laindey ne! Wichon ata pata kukh nai Honda!

Muluk Saab: O chudo Chauee Saab! Saadey mulak te chuwee ghantey kachehree luggi hondee eh! O kera jurum saabut hoya eh uj tikar? Eh saarey rulley hoey ne, te sanoon laareyaan te tor daindey ne!

Wadda Chaudry: O’ Nai Muluk Badshah! Ainey aaram nul ae qaum nai tori ja sakdee! Tera khyal eh! Aethey te chuwaani dee gul te media suwaal karan khlo jaanda eh! Eh gul na kar toon!

Muluk Saab: O’ Nai Chaudry! Ae media aaley wee barey gunney ney! O jidda punj saal da bacha gwachaeya jaye, o noon eh puchna ke, “Tussi kee chandey o?” Hun dusso na menon tussi!

Wadda Chaudry: O’ Nai yaar! Toon samajhda nai! Gareeb dee gul sunun da taim kissey kol nai! Ae jerey hegey ne naan leader huzraat saadey, ainaan noon apney batehrey sayapey ne! Hun koi kum sidda keeta hoey te gul uggey turrey na!

Muluk Saab: O’ Nai Badshao! Gul uggey torun lai bara hosla durkaar eh! Tussi aap wekh lo! Ik noon sujjey jaana eh te laazmi doojey ne khubbey jaana eh!

Wadda Chaudry: O’ Nai mereya Pharawa! Gul hun sujjey khubbey dee wee nai! Gul hun siraf ik doojey dee nufee te weliyaan khaan dee reh gayee eh!!!

(And they never agree upon anything!)