Acknowledging our Shortcomings

There are two distinct memories of my school life that opened my eyes to the presence of a strong conscience within as well as what achievements can come through with voicing positive expectations.

The first recall dates back to the year 1980 in Lahore. I was then in Year 3. I remember our home had a big garden with lots of red and yellow roses. Living in the same neighbourhood was a friend of mine who also happened to be my classmate. Our friendship in school was unknown till we started to spend time at each other’s house over weekends. She was quite soft spoken and was a pampered child at home.

Slowly our friendship extended to the classroom and we were often together during the recess. I was quite challenging when it came to carrying lunch from home. Often, I disliked eating in school and carried my lunch back much to the disappointment of my mother who happened to make a lot of effort to pack my lunch.

One day, I was sitting in the playground with my friend and she opened up her meal pack. It contained a yummy kebab sandwich which appeared enormously attractive for its aroma. I asked her if I could have a bite and she agreed to make a complete swap for my omelette. We really seemed to enjoy each other’s meals and the day was a happy one. I came home with an empty lunch box which won me special applause by my mum. Her broad smile made me come to the decision of keeping the secret.

And so, every day, we exchanged our lunch packs and she carried that delicious kebab sandwich for me while I would share my biscuits, omelette or fries with her. For a few days, the change felt good. But soon, I started to feel her disagreement over the swap. Now when you are 8, you want what you want! So, despite her unwilling exchange, I had started to enjoy the sandwich as my basic right. I questioned her about it, if she would bring an apple instead! The friendship was becoming a little sour and deep down, I knew it was going to end suddenly.

There was a special awards ceremony that happened at the end of the year and all students who would score a 100% mark, were awarded a certificate of recognition in that subject or area. We were waiting for our teacher to announce the names, and when she nominated my name for ‘Science’, I could not wait to rush home and let my parents know. But the greater thrill was to carry that paper of excellence and get it signed by the Principal herself. It was a rare occasion to visit her office and when it was for such a grand moment, the feel was just incredible.

I carried my paper with such pride and climbed the stairs to her office which was on the first floor of the building. I turned to the door which was open. My eyes fell upon the familiar face of a mother. She was not happy and happened to be complaining about her daughter being harassed about her lunch. I froze and guilt marked my face. They both turned towards me at the same time. I couldn’t open my mouth and stood there like a statue.

“Come in my dear,” the Principal said softly. She happened to feel my embarrassment and asked the mother to give her a minute. “What do you have in your hand?” she asked me politely. I entered her office a little unsure and without saying a word, handed her my Science paper. She looked at it and said, “Well done! Leave it with me and I’ll sign it later. Thank you.” I was glad the conversation was short. I practically escaped the crime scene feeling every bit the criminal. There was still a half day to complete before going home. Would the Principal call my mum and complain? What will I say to my ma for telling such lies? And how bad will she feel about my dislike for the lunch she gave me every day. I could have just asked her for a kebab sandwich instead of the omelette. 

The lessons went on but these questions crowded my mind. The bell rang for home time and we travelled in a line to the gate.

Normally, teachers would be on duty to monitor the chaos. But as I wandered towards the gate, I saw the Principal standing right at the corner of the bend bidding all students farewell. I knew she would call me and scold me about my bossiness. My face flushed with anxiousness as I approached her. Every student was enjoying her unexpected presence on the field and greeted her with smiles. The dreaded moment arrived and I came face to face with her. She looked at me and smiled. “Good afternoon Ms. X”, the words shivered through my mouth. She nodded and gave me a look that completely shook my conscience. Clearly, she had not expected a 100% scorer to be a bully. My inner voice condemned my actions over the past few days and it was too heavy a price to pay for just a kebab sandwich I thought to myself. 

She never made any calls home and the matter vanished in the air from the very next day. I changed my recess pals and decided to control my bossy behaviour. Every child has a burning conscience that can easily be moulded with just a meaningful look without using much words.

To think that temptation would allude me after that was indeed a false thought. I was 16 and my mid-term exams were close. At that point of time, I was the centre of attraction with my friends who claimed that I was very funny and my popularity had elated me to a whole new level.

It was an Islamic Studies paper and my preparation was quite poor. I had been busy writing poems and making a slam book! And so, my confidence was shattered when the paper was placed in front of me with many questions that I just couldn’t follow. I looked around and found everybody scribbling answers running against time. I stared at the questions and slowly a desperation started to creep in. I turned to look at my friend who inquired through her eyes, “Why aren’t you writing?” I gave her a blank look that made her understand my status on the exam. She looked at me and motioned to exchange the question paper. I felt panicked. Would that be possible? I looked at the teachers who sat at the front of the room busy in a hushed conversation.

I wrote on my paper, “Just give me the answer for Q2 and 3.” I thought it would be less criminal to carry just the intention to pass the exam. She wrote the answers on her question paper and just when we thought it was possible, we held our papers out to each other. The interaction created a little noise and the Islamic teacher looked at us.

My world came crashing down. The teacher approached me. “Give me the paper.” I handed her the question paper with the answers written on it. My face was as red as a tomato. Tears were running like a stream and I couldn’t raise my head. She just stood next to me gazing at me a little shocked. “ I never expected this from you Shama!” 

The words slit open my heart and I began sobbing. It felt horrible to fail their expectations. I had never indulged in any negative activities before and my teachers held a good opinion about me. I had ruined that viewpoint. I happened to have a special corner in her heart and she asked me, “Did you not prepare for the exam?” I nodded unable to speak. She looked at my friend with accusing eyes that put her to shame as well. “I was just helping her because she said she found the paper hard.” Our papers were cancelled and we had to meet the humiliation of being caught cheating. My conscience led me to apologize to the teachers who placed an arm around me and said, “We all make mistakes. It should just never happen again.”

I made up my mind that day. I would rather fail, then ever adhere to an immoral or unlawful act. And I stuck to that principle while attempting my Economics Exam many years later! What is failure in an exam? It is simply being ‘unable’ to succeed the first time.

Both these experiences made me realize my shortcomings. My inclination to give in to temptation. But I’m glad to have faced these ordeals as they also opened my eyes to the positive perceptions that others held for me. It was good to learn about my weaknesses as they helped me identify with my strengths with a much greater force and acknowledgement.

Children make mistakes all the time. But their inner voice is always active and living. As adults, we can really turn that mistake into an opportunity to voice our positive expectations and help them realize their ability to make wiser and intelligent decisions.