It's a man's world

When I was growing up, the concept of men and women having equal rights was often a topic of debate in my mind. By nature, I was quite compromising and hated getting into conflicts. Therefore, many times, even after identifying the injustice, I ignored the matter, escaping the long arguments.

Despite the presence of progressive minds in the house, I always seemed to meet up with some dead end. I could do mostly everything, but always sensed my parents reservations when it came to making individual decisions. Anything that placed me outside their comfort zone, created panic and re-evaluation of set expectations. And though I followed the rule book with honesty, there were moments that angered me and I started to develop a rebel inside of me.

I remember, when it came to going to college, I had a deep love to join Kinnaird in Pakistan. The lush green lawns, an ambience of learning and growing together with friends. I had heard wondrous stories about it and the idea of being independent was pre-dominant at that age. It was obvious that I would have to live in the hostel as I was with my parents in Dubai. When I floated the thought in the air, my parents told me, “We have no problem sending you but living in a hostel is out of the question. Girls aren’t safe alone Shama. They get caught up in problems. There are so many other stories that you haven’t heard that we know of. We can’t close our eyes to the reality. We trust you, but not this world.”

I would carry the sad story to my friends and most would join me having received a similar response at home. “It’s a man’s world!” one of my friend’s exclaimed annoyingly. “ They can do everything, while we have to plead and present our case to the jury first.” Another one blurted out, “My brother gets to make all the decisions. His studies are more important. While I have to manage with whatever’s available in the neighbourhood! It’s not fair!”

The phrase, “It’s a man’s world,” lingered in my mind as the years went by. I got married and was blessed with three sons. And the world had not changed much. “You don’t have anything to worry about. I am always concerned about my daughter. Daughters are quite a responsibility.” Or, “ You will know, when you’ll have a daughter of your own. I fail to understand where this world is going to. There is no safety or peace of mind left.”

And the more people stressed on the need to take care of their daughters, the more it made me think.

It’s quite evident from experience and wisdom of observation that “it is a man’s world”. Whether she’ll go to school or not, will be decided by the capacity of the bread-winner, the father. Would the crowd at the park or cinema understand the need to silence their remarks? The men in the bus, will make her so uncomfortable with their stares. And what if the prospective husband dislikes the idea of a working woman? She can do whatever she likes, once she gets married. Therefore, shifting the burden of decisions to the next man in command.

Ofcourse these events aren’t always as brash or literal as I express them to be. But, at the very core, lies the reality of a society that has its entire focus on the role of a woman. Her character is judged by her dressing up, her loud manners reflect her bold ideas and thinking for herself makes her undoubtedly selfish. And who comes to all of these conclusions?

The situation is not that simple. If we study history, whether of the Sub-Continent, Europe or even England, we realize that in every scenario, the woman was a picture of plea. She was deprived of her basic rights and was not allowed to think for herself. Since long, she has been fighting for the recognition of her presence and acknowledgement of her abilities.

And so the woman decided to build herself a fort. She made the walls out of stone and nobody could see inside. The world became invisible to her. The man was also facing a period of change. He was becoming more civilized and religion too became a strong factor in helping him distinguish between false practices and unjust beliefs. The mind was opening up to the idea of a woman sharing equal responsibility with him. It was a slow transition and had its flaws. Yet the table was set up for negotiation.

Now the woman, who had been subjected to so much humiliation could not trust that handshake that simply. She now refused to be just ‘anybody’. The fire that had been burning her soul so cruelly pushed her to prove her existence. In her fight to let down the man, she started to cling to the idea that unless she was out and about, the man would always have the opportunity to tie her down and take away her identity. In all reality, she did sacrifice many emotions to hold her head high and win herself a name. But is it necessary to make this process such an ordeal? What is it, that needs to be changed to create a balance in this situation?

I would think, that as a society, we need to shift our focus from the woman to the man. We should stop worrying about our daughters and seriously begin to evaluate our sons. Are we sending across the right messages? Do we practice discrimination at home? Is there an equality of power in our homes for our sons to witness? 

When I look at my life, I don’t just visualize it as a calendar of events. Each and every moment spend was a spark of energy transferred to my existence. I speak the truth, because it was the norm of my house. I trust easily, because I believe in the goodness of people. I love unconditionally, as that’s how I valued relationships. I accept people with their differences because that’s how we co-existed in our homes. Our sons need to imbibe these qualities at home. They need to witness such equalities to practice them as a way of life. These are powers that contribute to the existence of a fair and tolerant world.

If it is a man’s world, then what are we waiting for? A good man, will make a better world. I keep that in mind when I look at my sons. I desire for them to grow up to become men who can shoulder responsibilities. Men who would enjoy the comfort of having life partners who could stand up tall with them in the hour of need without having to sacrifice the emotions of being mothers, daughters, sisters or wives.

A woman balances ugliness with beauty, vulgarity with sobriety, harshness with kindness, revenge with forgiveness and tears with laughter. Anything, that is incomplete appears ugly and unattractive. A woman completes a man.