The Cycle Of Life ( Conclusion )

The song ‘Seasons in the sun’ by Terry Jacks was much loved by our family. We listened to it often on the Akai reel player. The essence of the song holds a complete new meaning to me now.

Mom’s condition went bad to worse in her last month. She knew she was leaving and that there was no hope. I remember getting the news from my elder sister about her counted days. It was a desperate time for me. I would wake up at night knowing of her presence in the adjacent room. I would want to run to her and just hold her, but it was important to keep a brave front. So, instead I would sit on the prayer mat and cry my heart out. I don’t think I have ever begged for a miracle the way I did for her life.

The feeling of helplessness filled all of us. But in our own ways, we all behaved as normally as we could. We never cried in front of her. She became very quiet and that to me was much more difficult to face then her evident departure. She had lived her life with such vigour and expression that her aloofness killed me. She surely was very brave and kept her pain locked up.

I tried to talk to her but her responses were careful and calculated. Whenever I gave her hope, she said she felt tired. And I didn’t know whether to ask Allah for a miracle or just let her go.

Her last few pictures were taken a few days before she passed away. It was about to rain. It became cloudy and all our kids were playing outside. It was mom’s favourite weather. My heart felt alone without her out there. I asked my dad if we could put her on a chair and bring her outside. He was unsure but then decided to free her from the surgical bed which had become her prison.

My brothers carried her to the steps outside. I kissed her and just kept gazing at her. She looked tired and coughed badly. My sister was not happy about her being out in the cold wind. After a while, the cough increased and I said, “Ammi, let’s go in now.” Her eyes were fixed to the sky and she said, “Not yet, I just need a little more time.” Her words crushed my heart inside. The intense desire to live was so evident. She held on to every detail. Her grandchildren running around, the soft breezes and the vivid sky. Amidst such hopelessness, I knew that it had been emotionally challenging to put her on that chair, but my heart reassured me that it was just what she had wanted. She was still there and I needed her to know that.

“It truly is hard to die,

When all the birds are singing in the sky!”

My mom has given me so much. I am who I am because of her. Every little thing about her was special. The sparkle in her eyes, the freshness about her. Her picture is so clear in my mind. I believe the purity of her soul and mind reflected through her face. Her youth never left her. She never asked me for any favours. She only gave like a selfless mother.

Therefore, could a bond that powerful and passionate just disappear with a few rituals of this world? Could a few men carry such deep rooted memories of love and togetherness to an end? I believe not. A mother can never abandon her children.

“They’ve buried you in your grave,

They’ve locked the door and thrown the key,

The fools believe you dwell in there,

They know not that you live in me!”

And I accept Allah’s will with all humility and I thank Him for helping me understand the Cycle of Life, as it goes on. May Allah bless her soul and bring us peace within. Amin!